This time of year, lots of women like to dress sexy for Halloween. That’s great. Who doesn’t want to see a slutty version of traditionally male occupation? Bring on the busty firemen and the sexy HVAC specialists. However, I think I speak for most of the universe (except pageant moms) when I say the sexiness line should be drawn with a big marker at children. That sentence doesn’t even make sense, but you know what I mean. We don’t need our kids dressed up like whores. Even whores shouldn’t be dressed up as whores, really, especially in the colder winter months. That’s why it’s important to see these 15 Kids Staring At Boobs. After extensive research that probably put me on an FBI watch list, here are 15 Most Inappropriately Sexy Halloween Costumes (For Kids!)
15. Cop Child Costume
Hello, little girl. You can dress up like a police officer, but only if you wear a shimmery mini-skirt and heels. Cause that’s exactly how cops dress in real life (real life being strippers at a bachelor party).
From the product description: “Stop! In the name of purple? This cop is ready to shop in this navy blue collared dress with matching shimmery skirt…”
14. Grecian Fairy Child Costume
This costume is so inappropriate for kids, no parent would let their model child wear it for the promotional photo. That’s saying a lot, cause the parents of child models pretty much agree to anything.
From the product description: Available in Child sizes: 7-8, 10-12
13. Bratz Fashion Emergency Bratty Nurse Child Costume
Nursing is a high-stress profession, but I haven’t met any nurses that I would describe as “bratty.”
Besides this costume isn’t a nurse costume, it’s a (slightly) toned down version of the nurse fetish costumes skanky adults wear. The adult version might even have the exact same length skirt. Don’t believe me?
12. Major Flirt
By the standards of some of the other costumes on this list, this one is a little tame. However, there’s the horrible, horrible name.
From the product description: “This classic girls costume comes with military green dress, vinyl studded belt, Major General’s hat and matching glovettes–all you’ll need to get them to stand at A-tten-tion!”
Sir, permission to barf freely.
11. High Seas Hottie
Describing a child as a “Hottie” and dressing them in a pleather mini-skirt and midriff-bearing top should get you on one of those lists where you can’t live near schools anymore.
10. Child’s Chamber Maid Costume
It’s the French maid costume for the little girl that wants to dress up as a domestic servant/common fetish.
From the product description: Makes a great Halloween costume.
9. Preteen Referee Costume
This model has huge boobs, which, unless I’m grossly underestimating the amount of hormones in Lunchables, real preteens don’t have. I don’t mean to sound like the boss of the preteen model’s union, but I demand that in the future, actual preteens model for preteen costumes.
8. Red Hot Devil Woman Pre-Teen Costume
Man, I hope this is just a simple mislabeling, and there aren’t actually going to be any preteens dressed up like this.
7. Hannah Montana Child Costume
Can we make a rule about fishnet stockings? The rule should be that you can’t wear fishnets unless you are a full-grown woman, convincing tranny, or someone trying to catch fish. No kids allowed.
From the description: This is an officially licensed Disney© product
6. Chamber Matrix Pre-Teen Costume
Okay, I could be wrong. Maybe preteens are big, slutty whores.
5. Bratz Cowgirl Costume
This is the worst offender of the Bratz costumes, and that is really saying something. The head designer for the Bratz costume line must be Roman Polanski.
From the product description
Small Size (4-6) fits most kids Age 3-4 years
Medium (8-10) fits most kids age 5-7 years
Large (12-14) fits most kids age 8-10 years
4. Kids Mac Daddy Pimp Costume
Finally, something inappropriate for the boys! For a second there I thought we were living in society that sexualizes girls at a young age, teaching them their only worth is in their appearance. Dodged that society bullet! We also send horrible messages to boys. Equality!
Part of the reason pimping ain’t easy is because it’s illegal and morally reprehensible. Can we somehow include that in the costume accessories?
3. Lolita Teen Costume
It’s a costume called “Lolita Teen Costume.” Maybe it’s for adults, to dress up like a sexy teen? Creepy, but still, you know, legal. Let’s look at the description.
“Teen size only fits dress size 2-6.”
Nope, it’s a costume for teens named after a novel about a tween seductress. Perfect.
2. Preteen Candy Corn Witch Costume
This model is about as preteen as Cloris Leachman. Besides the cosseted top or thigh-high stockings, the worst part (the entire thing is the worst part) is the stripper shoes. If there’s a factory that makes stripper shoes for preteens, can we shut it down somehow? I’ll boycott stripper shoes for preteens.
1. Child Ravager
At this point on the list, we’re pretty used to fishnet stockings, knee-high boots, and buckle-corset things, but this one really stands out because of its name. “Child Ravager” sounds like a phrase a prosecutor would use in a death penalty case.
Really, we have to blame the parents here, because kids don’t work in factories anymore (fix that, Obama) and any sexy costumes ordered from the Internet are ordered by adults. The saddest part is that these are just the skanky tip of the slutty iceberg. Google the Bratz Halloween costumes if you are in the mood for “:(‘s.” Ugh.
If you enjoyed this article, what’s wrong with you? Anyway, check out the 9 Weirdest Videos Of Kids Singing About Making Out With A Random Lesbian or 10 Favorite Failed Children’s Book Titles- Illustrated.
The post was written by Brendan, a high seas hottie.
Comments