The Technology, Entertainment, and Design conference gathers the smartest, wealthiest, and most influential– oh wait, that’s Nobu. TED is the one with unattractive people (for example 15 Guys You Don’t Want To Pee Next To or these 10 Worst People To Sit Next To On An Airplane). Just like any conference, TED has its share of high-falootin soap box superstars who claim to be world changers, but the only thing these guys have changed in the last year is their profile photos. Here they are in condescending order from lamest to lamer. I give you the 10 Most Unimpressive Speakers At The TED Conference.
10. Beau Lotto And The Lamest Optical Illusions Known to Man
These optical illusions have been passed around by grandmas via email since 1912 and comprised over 85% of hosted content on Geocities homepages (RIP). If you haven’t seen these illusions before you are definitely a n00b.
9. Niels Diffrient And His ‘Freedom Chair’ Which Freed The Slaves In 1863 And Cured AIDS
Just kidding, it’s just a f**king chair! The guy created a chair, and according to the comments on the video, the only thing it frees you from is being comfortable.
8. Aimee Mullins, The Hot Chick With Too Much Money To Spend On Prosthetic Legs
She has 12 wooden legs. Just imagine how many dildos she has. Aimee thinks the reason we are so “accepting” of her is her really cool looking prosthetic legs, which she herself admits that no one notices. Probably because we are all looking at her boobs.
Whoops. Due to size requirements, I had to cut off Aimee’s legs – again.
7. Ian Dunbar On Dog-Friendly Dog Training
This presentation reminded me of that time in history class when instead of a 20-page report, I turned in a puppy. It should be at the TED conference about as much as Aimee Mullins should be modeling pantyhose.
6. Bono Tells Us That Africa Sucks
I didn’t even watch this one. Africa sucks. At the next TED conference, Bono will be talking about lesser known topics such as “China Makes Things” and “Rape Is Bad.”
5. James Balog And His Totally eXtReMe Ice Photos
This isn’t the 90s anymore. You can’t just willy nilly call things “extreme,” especially not fast forwarded videos of glaciers.
4. Stephen Petranek And 10 Ways The World Could End
Screw this guy. That was the title of my next Comedy.com article.
3. Majora Carter Greens The Ghetto
Why does everything have to be green? Majora Carter worked hard to fight what she calls “environmental racism.” By calling black the new green, Majora is working to ensure that even Priuses can sport gold spinner rims. That’s right, the only way to fight environmental racism is with normal racism.
2. Ben Saunders Skis To The North Pole
Oh cool, some guy’s vacation slides. And, it’s all uphill. It would have been easier to go to the South Pole, idiot.
1. Arthur Benjamin The Mathemagician
Arthur is the only guy left in America with enough mathematical ability to notice if I made this list only have nine entries. Arthur’s act is the equivalent of going to a child’s birthday party as the *ssh*le Addition Guy and laughing at five-year-olds who can’t count. So the guy can multiply really fast. So what? Watch this.
As for conferences actually worth attending, be sure to bring a laser pointer to the Robot Cats Gathering 2009 and a frying pan to the Bacon Art Festival.
Posted by Sam and Rex, who love a good conference.
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