We here at the Comedy.com were just shocked to find out a Denver meth ring laundered their money by buying comic books. You do not mess with the spandex gods and walk away unscathed, fanboys. Now it’s time for payback! Here’s a list of what the capes would do to these low-level, lowlifes that traded jacked-up cold medicine for their paper-ensconced adventures.
Superman: There’s a reason Supes is called “The Big Blue Boy Scout.” Even if he’s mad, the worst Superman would do is melt the meth ring’s machine guns and drop their mini-van into the middle of the Denver Correctional Facility.
Results: The crooks would get a second degree burn on their palms, their car impounded and a stern lecture about “Just saying no” from “Mr. Self-Righteous Red Underwear.”
Super wuss would probably cry if he knew what the Meth ring did.
Spider-Man: Spider-Man doesn’t kill, but he has lost his sh*t on occasion. This could be one of those times, meth dealers. Plus, with Spider-Man’s luck, another supervillain will show up and get the crooks all killed in the crossfire. The most likely scenario: Meth dealers will be pulling web out of their hair and eyes for the next few days in jail.
Results: Arm dislocated as webbing unexpectedly stops criminals mid-run. Recovery time: 2-4 days.
Remember, everybody gets one.
Aquaman: Assuming the meth ring passes a lake, river or isthmus, the King of the Seven Seas and owner of the ugliest costume in comics would use his fish friends to disable their car and bite them. Once the barracuda have softened them up, Aquaman comes in for the final kick and takes all the credit.
Results: Fish bites to the legs and genitals along with sandpipers jammed in engine block and exhaust system. Recovery time: 1-3 weeks depending on allergies.
“Meth ring dies of laughter, the full story at 11.”
Batman: The B-man don’t kill, which is why you will never be able to pick up a gun in the new “Arkham Asylum” game no matter how many times you hit triangle. That means the meth dealers are in for a tremendous beat-down and several hours of nurses gingerly pulling batarangs out their gun hands.
Results: The perps will need intensive care and recovery four about four weeks. They will have a permanent limp and/or nightmares about George Clooney.
The B-man knows how to inflict pain, Meth ring.
The X-Men: Assuming that their mutant soap opera stops long enough for them to actually get in a fight, the meth ring is toast. Cyclops blasts a hole in the wall of their meth lab with his eye lasers, Nightcrawler teleports in and starts smacking them all around. Wolverine charges in and cuts up everyone’s guns. (Unless he’s in his own comic, then he kills everybody.)
Results: Most commit suicide rather than hearing another speech about mutant teen angst from Rogue or Cyclops.
Eight of the, like, ten million X-men characters.
Spawn: Spawn doesn’t have much of a problem killing bad guys. They all die horribly screaming, “Which superhero are you? You kinda look like Spider-Man with a cape! Didn’t you used to have a cartoon on HBO? Ahhhh!”
Results: The meth dealers all die and end up in Hell watching excerpts of Todd McFarlane interviews talking about his balls.
Spawn: Nothing like Batman.
Conan the Barbarian: As clearly established in “What If… #43,” Conan would quickly take over the meth ring and amass a criminal empire that would extend from North America and eventually all of South America. He’s eventually killed, a la “Scarface,” in his mansion in Miami.
Results: The Meth dealers are killed in a shoot out protecting Conan’s drug storehouse outside of Denver.
Never give Conan a gun.
Posted by Tony DiGerolamo, who should never be given a gun either.
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