As the corporate giants stride across this planet gobbling everything in their path, we are witness to yet another massive merger of marvelous monies. Disney has bought Marvel, fanboys. The Marvel heroes have fought evil in many forms: Dr. Doom, the Beyonder, Galactus, but none so insidious as corporate bean counters looking to shore up next quarter’s profits. Here now are the 10 Ways Disney Will Ruin Marvel.
10. The Incredible Hulk gets mouse ears hat stuck on head.
Doc Bruce Banner is hiding out at the Magic Kingdom working the hot dog stand when the Abomination shows up angry about the price of his room in the Contemporary. Banner is forced to transform, but fails to remove his ears, causing the Gamma radiation to permanently fuse them to his skull. He is kicked out of the Avengers again for being “too gay.”
9. Herbie joins the X-men.
Professor X notes strange new readings from Cerebro and discovers that certain cars also have mutant powers. Herbie joins the team and uses his mutant powers of matchmaking to make the world a safer place. He is, of course, conflicted about using his power, about being different and he’s in love with Jean Grey. In a four-part mini-series, he finally gets revenge on Lindsay Lohan for throwing up in his back seat.
8. The Punisher’s gun replaced with a T-shirt cannon.
In keeping with Disney’s family image, Frank Castle decides that the best punishment for criminals would be to wear the same tacky T-shirt he’s been pimping all these years. Mob bosses are now reduced to saying, “Damn, you Castle! I had a black tie affair to attend and now you’ve ruined it!”
7. Chip n’ Dale changed to Chip n’ Doom.
When Dr. Doom has to remove a tree from his castle property, a couple of rascally chipmunks make his life unbearable. Unable to kill them because they keep crawling into his armor, Doom eventually is forced to escape the rodents by using his time machine. Unfortunately, he ends up stranded in a prehistoric world where chipmunks rule and are 20′ tall.
6. Marvel Team will feature Daredevil and Bambi.
When Matt Murdock uncovers the Kingpin’s latest scheme to smuggle uninspected venison meat into New York City, he finds an unexpected ally in a plucky baby deer named, Bambi. Although not very good in a fight, Bambi distracts thugs so that Daredevil can knock them out while they are awestruck by the deer’s cuteness. Their team up is short lived, when Bambi discovers that Matt is secretly visiting Famous Dave’s at night and eating several of his late relatives.
5. “Christopher Robin’s New Avengers”
When someone nearly burns down the forest, Christopher Robin decides to take matters into his own hands. Although Tigger’s head is made out of rubber and his tail made out of spring, these are replaced by Dr. Pym with adamantium, making him a stupid and indestructible foe.
4. “The Mighty Scrooge”
When Donald and his nephews find a strange, antique hammer in Uncle Scrooge’s basement, the old duck insists that no one touch it but him. He gets more than he bargained for when he goes to sell it on the “Antique Roadshow.” Duckburg becomes the new Vahalla, with duck versions of all the Norse Gods. Carl Barks and Jack Kirby begin haunting Robert Iger’s dreams.
3. The Fantastic Four relocate to Orlando.
After a devastating attack from a more irritable Dr. Doom, Reed Richards relocates the Baxter building to Florida. He adds a series of pipes, water slides and roller coasters to make it harder for villains to get inside. Most don’t enter because of the outrageous ticket price and long lines.
2. Silver Surfer melted down for prized metal.
Unable to figure out what the demographic is for a character that is a superpowered surfer, Disney melts down the superhero for quick cash and cancels development of his new sitcom, “The Surf Life with Zack and Silver.”
1. Spider-Man transforms into Spider-Bell.
While helping Spider-Man to stop the Green Goblin from blowing up the Magic Kingdom, Tinkerbell is struck by a radioactive blast. She accidentally bites Spiderman before she dies passing on her fairy powers. Spider-Man leaves Mary Jane for Matthew McConaughey shortly after.
Posted by Tony DiGerolamo, who wish he still had Marvel Stock.
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