The Iraq War drags on and on and the specially equipped Joes just sit on the sidelines. Sgt. Slaughter would be mortified if his career were alive to see this! The Iraq War needs the Joes worse than Bernie Madoff’s sons need an alibi. Here now are the 10 Ways the Iraq War Would be Different If We Sent G.I. Joe.
10. Saddam Hussein dies during spectacular Snake Eyes/Storm Shadow battle!
After Saddam Hussein hires Storm Shadow from Cobra as his personal bodyguard, Snake Eyes is sent to assassinate the leader of Iraq. During the battle, Saddam escapes, rigging his palace to explode. Storm Shadow, betrayed, is pinned beneath falling debris. Snake Eyes tries to save him, but the fire is too hot and he escapes. Hussein is ironically crushed to death near the palace when the explosives accidentally topple a statue of himself onto his hydrofoil.
9. The Joes are given guns with bullets that will actually hit people.
Duke spends several weeks retraining to actually hit targets rather than to just shoot around them. Likewise, he trains the Joes. Shortly thereafter, General Hawk is fired for gross incompetence.
8. New Joes are added to the team!
Torture Tom and Rendition Rick are special team members chosen by Dick Cheney himself! Tom wears a bloody smock and comes equipped with a tool box full of every kind of pliers, knives and ice pick. Rick comes equipped with a jet plane with no serial numbers and plenty of zip ties and hoods.
7. Shore Leave and Gung Ho are forced out of the Joes when it is revealed that they are gay.
Gung Ho is just a little too Gung Ho to save Shore Leave when he’s captured by a group of Sunni insurgents. Although the Joes manage to save SL, Gung Ho gets caught up in the moment. His mouth-to-mouth resuscitation turns into a five minute make-out fest. With their secret out, the duo move to Massachusetts to get married and work on the Kerry campaign.
6. Dick Cheney and his cronies leak Lady Jaye’s identity to the press.
Robert Novak goes to his deathbed insisting everyone knows who Lady Jaye is because she’s the only one in Iraq killing insurgents with a crossbow. No one believes him.
5. Fox News embeds Bill O’Reilly with the Joes.
O’Reilly does the “Factor” in Iraq for two weeks. After a particularly heated on camera exchange with Barbecue about the “myth” of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, O’Reilly is found burned alive in his hotel room. Rupert Murdoch replaces him on the “Factor” with Dennis Miller 20 minutes later.
4. Friendly fire incidents skyrocket with the presence of the Joes.
With no uniforms to identify them, many of the Joes are shot as insurgents. Snowblind, Deep Six and Budo, completely ill-equipped for desert warfare, are shot and killed by Blackwater mercenaries for being “too native-looking”.
3. Duke insists all missions take less than 30 minutes to complete.
Duke’s strategy backfires as the insurgents begin to realize that all the action will take place about 20 minutes into the mission. Duke is eventually killed attempting to disarm a roadside bomb after refusing to wait an hour for the bomb disposal unit. His last words are, “Hey, maybe waiting is really half the battle.”
2. The United States cuts a deal with Cobra.
With the War on Terror in full swing, the U.S. finally resumes normally relations with Cobra under the condition they hold democratic elections. Massive voter fraud and corruption run rampant under the Cobra Commander’s administration, but with the new pipeline being built by Exxon in whatever country Cobra is from, the U.S. overlooks all of Destro’s human rights violations.
1. Each week the Joes capture Osama bin Laden.
This is particularly galling to commanders on the ground as Bin Laden frequently captures the Joes, tells them of his evil schemes and then sets them in an elaborate trap where they barely manage to escape. But each week, the terrorist eludes the Joes’ grasp with a handful of his henchmen, usually hanging from a helicopter, shaking his fist and screaming, “I’ll get you next time, G.I. Joe!”
Osama bin Laden with unnamed associate.
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